By its very nature, addiction changes those caught in its grip. It is called a brain disease for a reason. Over time, exposure to addictive substances changes the way the pleasure centers in the affected person’s brain operate. The first few times, the pleasure centers are stimulated and these centers register that they enjoy the experience. Over time, it takes higher doses of the person’s drug of choice to achieve a similar experience. At this stage, the person has developed a tolerance for the drug. They will need to consume more (and spend more money) to achieve the same experience they had when they first became involved with it.
What can a loving family member or a friend do in this situation? It is difficult to put the brakes on patterns that have been in place for years. To really help someone with a substance use disorder, family members and friends must stop enabling them and start putting up healthy boundaries.
What, Me, an Enabler?
No one ever sets out to enable a loved one with an addiction. Family members and friends have the best intentions when they see someone they love living with a substance abuse disorder. They want to help their loved one.
It’s almost instinctual for people to want to do things to make their loved ones’ lives easier (and by definition, better) when they are in trouble. When that loved one has a substance use disorder, though, there is a fine line between helping and enabling.
Family members and friends enable addicted loved ones by:
Caretaking
- Caring for them when they are hungover or recovering from taking drugs
- Caring for their children or cleaning their home
- Looking after bills or other obligations
Excusing the Behavior
- Making excuses for them
- Justifying their drug or alcohol use despite its harmful consequences
- Agreeing with their loved ones’ rationale about the addiction
Avoidance
- Never mentioning the addiction
- Hoping it is “just a phase” and will resolve on its own
Why Does Enabling Happen?
People enable their addicted loved ones for several reasons. In some cases, they want to keep the family home stable. As long as the home is kept relatively stable, the family doesn’t have to deal with the problem.
There are still many stigmas around drug and alcohol addiction. Some people want to avoid having others outside the home finding out that it is an issue.
The root of enabling is avoidance. As long as the people around the addicted person continue enabling them, no one has to step up and acknowledge the addiction.
Once the addicted person’s friends and family members decide they won’t enable the addiction anymore, they need to be prepared to set healthy boundaries instead.
Healthy Boundaries With an Addicted Loved One
Family members and friends need to decide what kinds of behavior they will accept from an addicted loved one. Once these boundaries have been set, they must be treated as though they are set in stone. The addicted loved one will be informed that the family has decided to adopt some healthy boundaries.
It’s not uncommon that a person living with a substance abuse disorder will try to push against the boundaries set by their family members and friends. If they haven’t been to a detoxification (detox) center yet, the person is still actively using their drug of choice. The addicted person is likely to attempt to get money, a place to stay, and other benefits that the family provided before the boundaries were put in place.
List of Health Boundaries
1. Saying “No” without feeling guilty.
Some people give in to their addicted loved ones because it makes them feel good in the moment. It also stops the nagging and pressure to give in.
Parenting or running a friendship out of guilt is no way to live. While it feels good at the moment, there will come a time when all that guilt piles up and it has to be addressed. The longer you wait, the worse it feels. Establishing a policy of saying “No” and meaning it is the much better way to go.
2. You can hold your ground if someone pressures you.
When a healthy boundary is established and held, a person says “No” and sticks to it. They may need to remind their loved one of the boundary, such as, “The answer is no. We discussed this in a group or in counseling. I won’t give you any money or a place to stay.”
3. You don’t allow others to abuse or exploit you.
Your addicted loved one may use abusive language or words like, “You always treated me badly,” or “You never loved me,” in order to get their own way. These are examples of ways that someone living with an addiction tries to manipulate to get what they want. Words like “always” and never” are like red flags. Don’t listen to them.
4. Hold your ground when pressured.
If your addicted loved one comes to your home or work and asks for money or something else that you don’t want to give them, hold your ground by saying, “No.” They may put pressure on you by making the request in front of others. Take the pressure off by moving the conversation to a more private location, such as outside the building. If you don’t feel comfortable being alone with the addicted person because of their behavior, take someone else with you.
Give your loved one a firm “No” and tell them the conversation is over, and you would like them to leave. If they don’t, you will contact the police to report them for trespassing. Then do it, if necessary. Holding your boundaries means there are logical consequences to your addicted loved one’s actions.
5. You don’t need other people to agree with you.
Friends and coworkers, who aren’t dealing with an addicted loved one, may have opinions about how you are handling the situation. They may feel that you are being unduly harsh in the situation. They may say that they would “never treat someone they love like this.”
Those people aren’t living in your situation. If they were, they would have an entirely different perspective. Simply thank them for their input and continue handling things as you see fit for you and your family.
Would you like to talk to someone about a treatment facility for a loved one? Anabranch Recovery Center has friendly staff available who understand your family situation. They can explain the services we offer and the first steps to help your loved one start on the road to recovery.
